"Maybe, it'd hurt less to be
the one who leaves first"


The car ride back home was so deafeningly silent. Ara suddenly recalled the days when their family would go on a road trip together to a faraway beach in the rural skirtings of Korea. It had been so long since they went on such trips together. She knew she was to blame for ruining her family's plans most of the time because of DAY6 sudden last-minute schedules. Her family always understood and gave in when she said she couldn't make it. Perhaps, they were always so understanding because they were one family. And perhaps, there is a limit to everything including family tolerance and forgiveness.

"I'm sorry" was what Ara wanted to say but instead, she said something else spiteful.

"I took the earliest flight back from Busan. I did the best I could to rush back, why are you still angry at me?"

"Priorities. . . Between DAY6 and our family, it seems that you've chosen something else already" Her mother said coldly.

"These are two different matters, why are you being so unreasonable?" Ara felt warm tears brimming in her eyes.

"I am getting dizzy, let's stop this topic" Her mother massaged her temples.

"Please go ahead," Ara instructed.

Getting off the car hastily with her hand carriage, she shut the door and ignored her sister's calling.

Ara watched her mother open her mouth to say something before the car drove off. Tears that she was holding back the entire car ride came pouring down like a waterfall. Strangers at the bus stop cast weird glances at her but she couldn't care less. Ara sat like this, crying her heart out for hours. It was soon evening. The sky was a mixture of beautiful streaks of pink and orange, well contrasting Ara's mood right now. Then, Ara laughed. She laughed so hard at her pathetic self that her sides hurt so much that she started tearing up. Here she was being all pathetic, crying her eyes out and there Sungjin rocking the dazzling stage in Busan.

For the past 6 years, she knew she had sacrificed so much just for him. All along, she thought that she looked only at him and nothing else, she could keep going to him no matter how hard the journey gets. She told herself that she didn't mind even if her friends thought she was delusional and dumb, as long as she could keep supporting him to the highest peak. She promised to be there to support him when he falls. But who is there to support her when she falls and gets all bruised like now?

He never knew the amount of tears she had shed for him, the number of sleepless nights, and the things she had to cast aside on this journey. The road towards him only gets rougher and rougher. She didn't know if she could still keep going, just fixing her gaze on him. Could she really continue loving him at all stakes? Ignoring her tired soul? Prioritizing him over her family? Loving him like this was like wading alone against the strong currents and she was getting really worn out already.

She wasn't sure anymore.

"Sungjin oppa, I am so tired. . ." She buried her face in her lap and cried.

Then, her phone vibrated.

@SUNGshineJIN
Eonnie! Why are you not posting any previews yet?!

@SUNGshineJIN
Others have even uploaded HDs. . . Is earning through fan support the only thing you care about?

Ara threw her phone onto the concrete ground with more tears spilling from her eyes.

At the end of the day, this is all she gets. She laughs, once more.

"OMO, Ara! Why are you drinking so much?" Jihyun, Ara's best friend, gasped.

"Oh, Jihyun-ah~ You're here! I thought you wouldn't come when I called you" She laughed half empty.

"Aigoo, how many bottles have you drunk already?" She shook her head, attempting to take the empty bottles from her hand.

"Why wouldn't I come--"

Then Ara threw her hands around her best friend and started crying.

"I thought you'd despise me too. . . " She cried into her shoulder.

"Pabo, why would I do that?" Jihyun stroked her head gently, as if afraid to hurt her if she exerted a little more strength.

"You're going to be a successful psychologist but I-I am just nothing . . . "

“Jihyun-ah I am so tired. . . I want to stop being a fansite master but I. . . I . . . don't know anymore . . . " Jihyun felt her shoulders wet.

“Do you want to hear what I really feel about this?" Jihyun asked. She nodded against her shoulder.

"6 years back when you told me you wanted to be a fansite, I was one of the only few that told you to follow your heart. To be honest, I regretted"

~Flashback~

"Jihyun! I've made up my mind, I am going to set up a fansite account for Sungjin! I am so excited! look at the number of followers I've gotten even before I start posting!" She blabbered on excitedly.

"You'd support me, right?" She asked.

"Of course! You're my best friend. And we should follow our hearts and do more of what we like since we are still young" She affirmed and the two spent the remaining hours of the day editing photos at the cafe.

~End of flashback~

"As the years passed, I feel like I'm seeing less of the bright, excited, and genuine smiles you always had in our high school days. Whenever we meet, you'd talk less and build walls around us for fear that we'd judge what you've been doing recently. Sometimes, I felt like I have lost you while you chased after them"

Ara remained silent but Jihyun knew she was still listening.

“Ara, you are just addicted to the fame and appreciation by other fans. These people are just worshipping you to get HD pictures. One day if you stop posting they'd all leave you. One day, your followers and fame, all will eventually fade away into nothing. At the end of this journey, the ending would be the members being extremely rich and they would find someone they love and get together with them. But what about you? Are you really going to continue spending thousands or even millions of won just to support them till the end and silently fade into the darkness when it's all over? You've lost so much already in these 6 years. It's time for you to stop and start thinking about yourself" Jihyun held Ara up by her shoulder to find her eyes tightly shut.

Her usual lip-biting habit, she thought. She always does that to control her emotions.

"Can I have the bill please?" She raised her hand.

"I'll leave you to think for yourself," Jihyun said, knowing she was still listening.

"Why did you drink so much?" Ara's mom replaced the warm towel on her forehead.

"Mom didn't mean it when I scolded you, I just wanted you to think more for yourself and our family" She sighed, stroking her hair.

"What has become of my beautiful daughter?" Her calloused fingertip traced Ara's weary dark circles.

"I am sorry mom" Ara silently whispered as she shut her eyelids tight.

"Sleep tight, my daughter. Mom loves you" She pulled the covers for her and left the room.

A teardrop slid from the side of her tightly shut eyes as the door closed softly.

"I'm sorry"

This time, the apology was meant for someone else. Someone whom she thought she could love infinitely.