“You are like a drug. 
The more I abstain from you, 
the more I can’t stay away”

To: Ara
Our high school classmates are gathering at Paradise café today, 7 PM. You will be coming, right?

Ara stared at her phone for a long time. Then, she started an endless cycle of typing and deleting her half composed responses. Exasperated, she threw her phone against the pillow and closed her eyes. Reopening them, she stared at her blank ceiling. She started to think her life resembled it. Ara couldn’t help but recall their previous high school gathering.

 

~flashback~

“Oh Ara, you’re here” The class president waved enthusiastically.
Ara joined the table and soon, everyone started to share their recent achievements. Through that, she learnt that their class enemies had dated for 2 years and were engaged recently. She learnt that her best friend was recently promoted and had obtained his bachelor in Medicine and was awaiting to be a house doctor. She learnt that most of her friends are doing well and it made her really happy.

Then, someone asked “How about Ara?”

“I am good” she replied simply, hoping people won’t probe further.

“Are you studying or working?” Another person asked.

“Errr. . . I am actually doing neither” Ara reluctantly replied, eyes flickering around the room.

She saw the confused and curious gaze of her classmates. She didn’t like the attention.

“Ara is a famous fansite master!” Ara’s best friend chipped in excitedly.

Ara stared at her best friend with the ‘it was supposed to be a secret’ gaze and she merely stuck out her tongue cutely.

“Ah, you mean those fans that follow those idols or whatever?” One of them remarked in distaste.

Ara forced a smile and nodded.

“It’s such a waste, Ara I still remember you used to be one of our top scorers!” someone else chimed in.

Ara smiled again.

Indeed before them who were all successful, what was 500k followers on Twitter? What was a thousand of retweets? In their eyes, she was just a crazy fan who wastes money chasing after idols. She was like a clean stab that achieved nothing in life, unlike them. Ara felt small all of a sudden. The voices surrounding her tuned out as their judging words replayed.
Ara smiled bitterly and she wished the day would end quickly.


~Flashback ended~

 
Ara sighed at the thought of gathering later. She shook her head and eventually decided to go with the excuse of food poisoning.

“What exactly have you accomplished in life, Ara?” she spat those words out bitterly and it stung at her heart.

Ara felt tears welling up in her eyes when she realized deep down inside, she knew the answer oh so well. Without infinite, she had nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Driving down the road in the heart of the bustling city, Seoul, Ara felt so empty. The city was roaring with nightlife, filled with screams, laughter and excitement but here she was, feeling empty, dull and unaccomplished. Stopping by the convenience store, Ara found herself subconsciously walking to the refrigerator to pick up a kimbap in one hand drink for a long time before putting them back. Picking up the sandwich beside it, she headed for the cashier counter.

The drive to the Han River felt longer than usual. Sitting by the river reflecting off the lights, she was overwhelmed by its beauty. It had been long since she had such alone time. She had always enjoyed the companionship of her fellow fansite masters. But today, she really wanted to be alone. Finishing her sandwich, she threw the wrapper aside and stood up. Cupping her hands at her mouth, she screamed her lungs out.

“Sungjin-ah please be happy!” Then, she squatted on the ground and cried her heart out.
Couples walked by hand in hand, whispering stuff into each other’s ears as they saw her. They probably thought Ara was some poor girl who just broke up with her boyfriend. It was right to a certain extent, just that the love started as a one-sided love and will always remain as a one-sided love. It’s one that grows deeper and stronger and at the end of the day, only she gets hurt. Unlike her friends who could call her up when they broke up, she had no one to call. Because they could never understand. She can foresee them simply laughing off her pathetic fan love and ridiculing her feelings with Sungjin. They would never understand how to her, Sungjin was way more than an idol. Since a long, long time ago.
“To me, you’re like the reflection in the waters.” She dipped her hand in the water and laughed bitterly. More tears fell and Ara thought even the howling of the wind seemed to be mocking at her pathetic self.

“Yah! What have you been up to these days?” ShinYe busted through the door and shook Ara by her shoulders dramatically.

“Just busy with this and that. . . “Ara paused, not knowing what to say.

“Faster wash up! I got a tip that Sungjin and Dowoon will be going to his Sunbae’s concert!” ShinYe shoved Ara into the toilet, not giving her any chance to protest.

“YAH! Are you going to just wear that to see Sungjin?” She glanced at her outfit from head to toe.

“Wear this instead!” ShinYe took out a more presentable dress and forced her to change into it.

“Are you done?” ShinYe tapped her feet impatiently.

“Almost. I can’t zip this up. It’s kinda tight” Ara said and ShinYe turned around.

“Breathe in” And she zipped it up in 1 second.

“Let’s go! We’re going to be late for the concert~” She dragged her by the hand and Ara was amazed at how the booked cab arrived early for once.

“Here” ShinYe passed Ara a black band to strap her DSLR to her thigh.

She placed her lens into her bag and covered it with a scarf and other stuff.

“Are the others coming?” Ara asked and ShinYe shook her head.

“Nope, it was a sudden tip so I can only manage to tell you,” ShinYe said.

“You bought the tip?” Ara asked and she nodded.

Effortlessly, Ara and ShinYe smuggled their cameras in and started fixing their lens to the camera body. The concert started and from afar, Ara noticed the two members discreetly sneaking into their seats. Ara pointed and whispered to ShinYe “I see them”
Posting the previews on Twitter, their tweets received many retweets and mentions within seconds. One particular message caught Ara’s eyes.


Tweet by: LOVESUNGJINNIE
@SUNGshineJin OMGGG!~~ Eonnie! How did you know oppa would be at the concert? :0

Tweet by: MYloveis4DAY6
@LOVESUNGJINNIE because they are rich sasaeng who follow our oppa everywhere. . . =.=

“Rich sasaeng. So to them, we are just rich sasaeng huh?” Ara rolled her eyes and logged out of the account.

Sometimes, Ara wished there was a logout button in life. Or maybe, a reset button is better.